Little Things

Are you happy? That’s kind of a loaded question, and yet, a very simple one. Let me ask again…are you really happy? How do you know is real happiness (as opposed to instant gratification? – like when you go shopping)

Philosophers have dragged us into a timeless battle: is it about the pursuit of pleasure? Is it about detachment? Is it about morals and balance? Sometimes we cannot even understand what freaking Aristotle and company are saying. For god’s sakes, it CANNOT be that complex! In fact, the very concept of happiness needs to be truly democratic and accessible. I bet some of you are nodding just know, unless you are one of those intellectual snobs who actually get the stoics or can meditate your way out of darkness (I’m jealous, by the way).

Anyhow, I’m not a subject matter expert (loving my consultant talk) and I’m not trying to be a philosopher - the snobbish crowd feels much better now. I just want to talk about happiness through my eyes, and since I cannot really avoid my professional bias and corporate education, I’m even going to provide some “case studies” from my short experience on earth – grandpa in heaven will have to validate this (he is the wisest man I know).

This is the deal. I do not think happiness is about achieving big milestones or attaining certain state of mind that only philosophers (or confused pot smokers) can reach. Why? Because if that were the case, happiness would be unsustainable and reserved for the “enlightened” elite – that cannot be right. As human beings we accomplish very few big milestones over a lifetime: graduate 2-3 times, have a baby 2-3 times, get married-2-3 times, get the dream job 2-3 times, get divorced 2-3 times … you get the idea. The average human being lives on average 70 years (613,200 hours) and probably these big moments account for about 5 years? 10 of your life max?  What are you going to do with the rest of the 525,600 hours of life you have left? Sustainability is key. I’m not saying that we have to be happy birds the 613K of our life (that would actually make us morons), but 10 years out of 70 seems just too low.

The other thing is about the accessibility of happiness. Let me ask you this – how would you teach and explain the Aristotelian concept of happiness to your 8 year-old kid? Or to the indigenous population in the Amazon? Or to a homeless guy? It’s got to be something that we all understand, regardless of culture, education, and age…like love. We all have the right to understand happiness and be happy (I hate to sound “socialist” but I could not find a way around it, so bear with me, I’m still trying to forgive myself ).

Happiness, in my eyes, is about the little things we do for each other every day; things that we do not even dare to see as happiness because they seem too insignificant (think about the guy who helped you push your suitcase through the subway’s door out of the blue). I’m not suggesting you change your philosophy of life, I’m not that pretentious.  I just want you to think about it for a second. Below is so food for thought – my own “case studies”

·      Sisterly happiness: I was visiting my family up in Boston. My baby sister had just arrived from India and she was wearing the most awesome Indian pants ever… we both talked for a while about how much we liked folk-market-type of fashion.  On Sunday I went back home and as I was unpacking the suitcase, I found the awesome pants hidden at the bottom… baby sis had put them on my suitcase while I was sleeping the day before I left. These pants cost 5 bucks, but ask me how much they mean to me…

·      Coffee happiness: I’m on a long line at a NYC starbucks. New Yorkers are the angriest people on earth so I never expect any kind of kindness; I’m always ready to hit back.  After 10 min. lining up is finally my turn. I order my regular iced venti non-fat late and gave my credit card to the cashier. He looks at my credit card, looks at me, and then looks at my credit card again and says:  I bet people have misspelled your name your whole life (I gave him a deep smile)… And then he goes: well, NOT TODAY. For the first (and only) time in my life my name was actually written correctly on my coffee coup. A kind New Yorker took the extra 10 seconds to make it right, while having 30 other angry NewYorkers waiting in line. Isn’t this awesome or what?

·      Car happiness: I had just finished a horrible calculus class in college and was walking towards my car. When I arrived, I found a flower tied to the windshield – it had been recently picked from the nearby garden. I never found out who did it… but it kept a smile on my face for the rest of that day (and every time I remember it, like now)

·      Parking lot happiness: I’m a proud female, but I have to accept a few of the prejudices that come with the sex – I suck at parking (I’m really hoping my dad does not read this acknowledgement because he will not let me borrow his car anymore). So, I was at a mall trying to fit my car in a very tinny spot. I was sweating like crazy, 10 cars were blowing their horn and I was about to cry. This random guy saw me struggling and walked towards me and said: do you want me to help you park it? I said YES. He parked my car in like 30 secs.  He did not flirt, he did not ask for my name or number. He just parked my car, smiled and left like a good urban Samaritan

·      Home happiness: I have been living out of Venezuela for the past 10 years. Nevertheless, every time I go back home, I find fresh flowers in my room… mom never gets tired of welcoming me back

·      Hotel happiness: I had checked out of a hotel in the morning and went back around 8pm to pick up my suitcase - I had to take an overnight flight. After I ask for my suitcase I tell the guy in charge: I have a weird request for you. He replays: go on, I like weird! . I explained that I had spent half of my day walking around NY city under the rain wearing a suit and high heels (true story). I desperately needed to take a shower because my next contact with shampoo was 12 hours away from me. He gives me the are-you-crazy look and said: but you checked out this morning. Then he says: I can’t, I’m going to get in serious trouble. I gave him a Mona Lisa smile and said OK. Then he takes a deep breath and says half frighten half excited: girl, can you take a shower in 5 min? hell yes! I replied. After I’m done showering (at a perfectly clean room ready for a new guest) I was very tempted to give him a hug that would have earned me a sexual harassment sue – that’s why I held back and instead grabbed his hand in appreciation. Then he told me: please do not tell anybody! do not send any thank you letters because I will get in real trouble; this is between you and me  - and winked.

·      Work happiness: it was one of the busiest weeks ever. I had been sleeping like 4 hours a day for a week and my brain was pretty much fried. A co-worker from a previous project reaches out to me to say hi. I was not paying much attention. I apologize about my incoherence (I was replying an email, working on another BB message and talking to her at the same time). It was 11pm and I still had 4-5 solid hours of work ahead. She asked if she could help me out; I said no, but she really insisted. I was desperate and could not resist the offer…this person worked until 4am that night with me. She did not derive any benefit whatsoever from doing this (except getting her brain fried too). It was just pure generosity and friendship…

These kind of little things happen to us all the time  - please stop and think of one example right now! No, do not ignore me, please do it now…. I bet it will make you smile. The point is that we do not acknowledge these little moments of happiness, because we are too busy working on the big stuff, or wasting our time thinking of all the reasons why we are not happy. It is about how we make our brain work and perceive the world around us. The beauty of it all is that we have control over it.

We do not have to bring down the moon, make 10 million dollars or end world hunger to be happy. However, while we work hard to accomplish these types of bigger goals, we can do little things to make someone happy (e.g. wash the dishes for your mom without having her lose her vocal cords to get you to do it) and start acknowledging and enjoying the little moments of every day happiness that the world around us gives away (like the random guy that tells you that you are beautiful at the super market line)

Believe me, all these little things add up BIG TIME…

Optional Assignment – if you can,  try to do just one nice little thing for someone today… if you feel like it, share it; I would love to read about it. Can you imagine if we could get just 0.5% of the world population to do it? We will have 33.5 million of little moments of happiness. There is nothing really little about that…  

Just a thought,

Denys





Gypsy

Warning to the reader: this article does not really follow a logical structure. It is a real mess - just like the writer. The English is not polished because I think in Spanish and because I like it that way.

It is both a blessing and a tragedy lacking real roots. Although I have some vague idea about my true origins, I do not really know anything about my ancestors. My knowledge only goes back to my grandparent – and their past is real vague. My grandfather (mother side), for instance, changed his last name and erased his past after touching Venezuelan soil. He never went back to Yugoslavia (now Serbia, Croatia, etc.) Nobody knows who he really was. After piecing together little stories he told me for about 30 years, I think he was one of those unknown war heroes who ended up sacrificing everything for his ideals. My grandma does not even know the truth about grandpa… thanks to her infinite love and care she managed to keep him alive for much longer than he was supposed to. Now he is in heaven making fun of Hitler’s hell.


The story on my father’s side is even blurrier. I only learned on my late twenties that my father’s dad had not really died when my father was a child. We do not know if he was a bad guy, or if grandma simply left him on a whim (por cojonuda). I have asked her forever and unsurprisingly I do not get any answers. Basque people do not really “talk about it” which is very funny because we Venezuelans (even with Basque blood) talk about everything to the point of extreme inappropriateness. I only know that she is the woman with the biggest guts in the planet: she arrived to Venezuela without money, with a broken Spanish (Basque was her mother tong) and with a 4 year old boy to start a new life. She redefined the meaning of bravery in my eyes.

In sum, the only thing I really know for sure about my grandparents is that they’ve loved me to death and that their character and example has determined who I am in many ways. I’m not complaining, this is more than enough, but I still have a real strong need to establish my roots. Funny enough, over the past 10 years, I have lived in 3 different countries and 10 different cities. I’m a modern gipsy – I belong everywhere and nowhere. I try to blame Chavez most of the time and my appetite for adventure some others. I do not even know what the real truth is.

Unlike some of my friends, I cannot trace my roots back to Simon Bolivar or some other independence heroes. I was raised eating Spanish food, saying “laku noc” (good night in “Yugoslavian”), and dancing merengue and salsa. On top of that, my most recent “American dream” experience has added to the confusion. I say to everybody “have a great day”, work 14- hour-shifts and try to sing along with Miley Cyrus “party in the USA”. The only very American thing I do not do is coupons at the supermarket and that’s only because I’m just too disorganized.

I’ve been struggling to get my last names straight all my life, without any success; just imagine how painful it is spelling my last name EVERY SINGLE TIME (ordering Chinese delivery takes me 10 freaking minutes). My first name has been a real issue too. My father had a spark of originality the day I was born - as if my last names were not exotic enough - and instead of naming me “Denisse”, he decided that “Denys” would actually be cooler. I totally agree, the only challenge is that half of the people I interact with think I’m a male. Only when they call me they realize that I’m just the average bitch with an accent. Bottom line: there is confusion all over the place around me, both in form and content.

Dealing with this confusion sometimes feels like a full time job (in practice and in my head). Imagine me filling up any type of application in the US. When they ask my race, every single time I have to think about it. I’m not quite Hispanic, neither Caucasian and definitely not native American… I’m not “white other” either for US standards (my tan just seems too good to be true) but interestingly enough in Latin-American people call me “blondie” … you get the idea. I think next time I will just check the “other” box and on the comments sections will write: “dudes: this exercise is absolutely senseless and I want to help you realize it - if you don’t, next time I will check the “Hispanic” box because it might give me an advantage that I do not actually deserve”

Putting aside all this “minor stuff”, the real challenge is that I want to keep all my confusion in one place. I want to stop being a gypsy, but still have the best of everything! Let me describe it with a few examples:

• I want to kiss and hug my friends, colleagues, whoever crosses my way every day without fearing a sue for sexual harassment

• I want people to answer to my emails in less than 24 hours as a rule, not as an exception

• I want 3 months of vacation but still get an American salary

• I want people to respond when I say “good afternoon” in the elevator without them wondering if I’m just a nice foreigner in a good mood

• I want to have the right to say “it is none of your business” and shut down any further inquiries about my private life with those 6 magic words

• I want to be loud and festive without being considered crazy (or Puerto Rican)

Some of these things are almost mutually exclusive. Typically, people that respect your privacy are not big on hugging; or people that take 3 month vacations do not answer email in 24 hours. I know, these are chronic contradictions and therefore it feels that I do not have much of a choice. Am I bounded to be an eternal gypsy?

The only thing I know for sure is that I’m not going to force myself to stabilize or build some sort of fake roots if I cannot keep my venezuelan, my gringa and my other awesome contradictions living at peace in one place. Unjustified forcing brings the worst in me (believe me when I say is BAD -  or just ask my mom about my teenage years). I guess that for the time being I need to embrace my gypsy and see where it takes me. I will continue enjoying my journey and trying to find (or at least dreaming about) my promised land.

Salud!

60 things about me

1. I come from a place that no longer exists. Every day I long for it


2. I do not like sweets in general, but I can eat a jar of nutella and a pint of coffee ice cream daily

3. My sisters are crazy (insane, really)… but I love them and miss them everyday

4. I’m a rebel for certain things, always have been … but I’m a diligent corporate employee, go figure!

5. I love backpackers. I look at them with envy every time I’m at an airport. I have tried to do back packing trips myself, but I always end-up picking my vertical 4-wheeled suitcase

6. I’m a latin lover… but not in a sex-type of way. I love latinamerica, the culture, the people, the languages. Nothing can be done about it

7. I’m 30+ and happily single. I refuse to settle for anything less than AMAZING. I do not buy the fact that you just have to make a commitment, suck it up and live unhappily ever after. I’m proud of me!

8. I love to spend time alone and travel alone. After you live in a household with 4 children under a dictatorial-communist regime (where private property and privacy does not exist) you never get tired of making all the decisions

9. I love surprises – all types, anytime, anywhere!

10. I want to turn the world around by doing little things that change somebody’s life

11. I can spend all day long on my PJs- which drives my parents crazy… happily, we no longer live together

12. I really enjoy reading but I do not have enough time for it. I keep buying books that I will never read

13. I have the best grandparents in the world; I’m so blessed!

14. I love dark- latin looking men but for some reason I tend to be with the blonder and whiter type. Self-inflicted boycott?

15. I do not have any post-modern hobbies like scuba diving or yoga. One day at the beach with enough diet coke and a good book does it for me (well, maybe diet coke is my postmodern hobby)

16. I really love hanging out with my family. In fact, is one of my favorite things to do (especially when we go to eat Venezuelan style Chinese food… real Chinese food sucks!)

17. I hate being considered an adult, because I’m really not

18. I want to learn how to dance samba and irish step… really!

19. I believe in free markets, small governments, and right-wing dictatorships in developing economies - if you think I’m a monster, please spend a couple of years in Latin-America an suck up the third world version of democracy.

20. I do not believe in unconditional love … in fact, I really recommend against it

21. I believe in the power of music

22. I can eat pasta in whatever shape or form every day (with the same sauce)

23. Assumption is the biggest motherfucker of all

24. I want to learn French and Italian…in fact, I want to live in France (Niece) and Italy (Positano) for a while. Anyone willing to sponsor me?



25. I’m not afraid of dark but I have scared the heck out of my sisters with it… and I do not regret it. Fear is a powerful tool

26. Being the oldest sister sucks most of the time… but when it does not is marvelous!

27. I really like playing soccer but in all honesty I’m terrible

28. My friends have made my world a much better place

29. My mom gets very upset when I miss planes - which is quite often. Ironically, most of the time I’m travelling for business (not to see her!)

30. I do not cry very often… may be I should (or not)

31. There is not much grey in my life, and I like it that way…. Passion is on the extremes!

32. I’m probably one of the best eaters you have ever met, and I’m proud about it

33. I really REALLY love Mexico… but I have to confess that I do not like eating everything with tortillas. In fact, I hate tortillas

34. I still sit at my father’s lap… and I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon

35. I like to think of myself as an open-minded person. But every time I travel to a place where diet coke is not available, I get in a really bad mood (and call the hotel manager to complain)

36. To this day, my mother still asks me whether I brushed my teeth and sends me back to the bathroom to brush my hair because she thinks I look “sloppy” (really!)

37. I love to sleep long hours, but I wish I could act and look like a normal person with 6 hours of sleep

38. I really love having an “undefined” race: I look “local” in most of the western world as long as I keep my mouth shoot.

39. I’m deeply confused culturally speaking: my genetics are european, I was raised in a Latin environment, but professionally and intellectually speaking I’m made in the USA … go you weirdo!

40. My parents are the most awesome couple I have ever met. It is hard to live up to this standard….at least I’m still trying

41. Sometimes I feel guilty about all the opportunities and wonderful things that life has brought to me… I did not do anything to deserve them

42. I mother everybody…. Even my grandmothers! This has earned me the “Mother Superior” title in my family

43. I only have faith on the things I can control… with so much unfairness and suffering how can it be otherwise?

44. I still do not understand the meaning of spirituality… I just try to be good

45. I have lived in the US for almost a decade and still do not get why Seinfeld is funny…

46. I lose stuff all the time, everywhere… the good news is that most of the time I do not even realize it

47. I come from a family of immigrants. I’m refusing to continue the tradition – unsuccessfully

48. The human quality that touches me most deeply is generosity… I’m a sucker for people with HUGE hearts

49. I dream day and night…

50. I love to laugh out loud… and I love people that I can laugh with!

51. Sometimes I think about founding my own country – American discipline, European lifestyle and Latin kindness …. (I would be the president too, obviously)

52. I’m politically incorrect because I like to call things for what they are. At what point in time honesty became a flaw?

53. I do have a couple of psycho-crazy manias: I rather do stuff with odd numbers, and I rather avoid stepping on lines…. I wish I could channel my pysco-craziness to organize my closet and email more neatly but it just has not kicked in

54. I love the sound of email arrival…. I’m an email lover

55. I have stolen little bits of detergent at the laundry room of my building… will I go to jail (or hell)?

56. A man with freckles on his back is music to my eyes

57. I wanted to be a singer/dancer when I was little. My back-up plan was to be a policy maker which did not work out either. I turned out to be a consultant which means that 90% of the time I do not know what I’m doing

58. I’m a die-hard romantic… I know, it does not seem so

59. I do not wear make-up often because I rather sleep 15 min extra. Plus, I like me without make up

60. A man gets to my heart by being able to see far and beyond the obvious