Warning to the reader: this article does not really follow a logical structure. It is a real mess - just like the writer. The English is not polished because I think in Spanish and because I like it that way.
It is both a blessing and a tragedy lacking real roots. Although I have some vague idea about my true origins, I do not really know anything about my ancestors. My knowledge only goes back to my grandparent – and their past is real vague. My grandfather (mother side), for instance, changed his last name and erased his past after touching Venezuelan soil. He never went back to Yugoslavia (now Serbia, Croatia, etc.) Nobody knows who he really was. After piecing together little stories he told me for about 30 years, I think he was one of those unknown war heroes who ended up sacrificing everything for his ideals. My grandma does not even know the truth about grandpa… thanks to her infinite love and care she managed to keep him alive for much longer than he was supposed to. Now he is in heaven making fun of Hitler’s hell.
The story on my father’s side is even blurrier. I only learned on my late twenties that my father’s dad had not really died when my father was a child. We do not know if he was a bad guy, or if grandma simply left him on a whim (por cojonuda). I have asked her forever and unsurprisingly I do not get any answers. Basque people do not really “talk about it” which is very funny because we Venezuelans (even with Basque blood) talk about everything to the point of extreme inappropriateness. I only know that she is the woman with the biggest guts in the planet: she arrived to Venezuela without money, with a broken Spanish (Basque was her mother tong) and with a 4 year old boy to start a new life. She redefined the meaning of bravery in my eyes.
In sum, the only thing I really know for sure about my grandparents is that they’ve loved me to death and that their character and example has determined who I am in many ways. I’m not complaining, this is more than enough, but I still have a real strong need to establish my roots. Funny enough, over the past 10 years, I have lived in 3 different countries and 10 different cities. I’m a modern gipsy – I belong everywhere and nowhere. I try to blame Chavez most of the time and my appetite for adventure some others. I do not even know what the real truth is.
Unlike some of my friends, I cannot trace my roots back to Simon Bolivar or some other independence heroes. I was raised eating Spanish food, saying “laku noc” (good night in “Yugoslavian”), and dancing merengue and salsa. On top of that, my most recent “American dream” experience has added to the confusion. I say to everybody “have a great day”, work 14- hour-shifts and try to sing along with Miley Cyrus “party in the USA”. The only very American thing I do not do is coupons at the supermarket and that’s only because I’m just too disorganized.
I’ve been struggling to get my last names straight all my life, without any success; just imagine how painful it is spelling my last name EVERY SINGLE TIME (ordering Chinese delivery takes me 10 freaking minutes). My first name has been a real issue too. My father had a spark of originality the day I was born - as if my last names were not exotic enough - and instead of naming me “Denisse”, he decided that “Denys” would actually be cooler. I totally agree, the only challenge is that half of the people I interact with think I’m a male. Only when they call me they realize that I’m just the average bitch with an accent. Bottom line: there is confusion all over the place around me, both in form and content.
Dealing with this confusion sometimes feels like a full time job (in practice and in my head). Imagine me filling up any type of application in the US. When they ask my race, every single time I have to think about it. I’m not quite Hispanic, neither Caucasian and definitely not native American… I’m not “white other” either for US standards (my tan just seems too good to be true) but interestingly enough in Latin-American people call me “blondie” … you get the idea. I think next time I will just check the “other” box and on the comments sections will write: “dudes: this exercise is absolutely senseless and I want to help you realize it - if you don’t, next time I will check the “Hispanic” box because it might give me an advantage that I do not actually deserve”
Putting aside all this “minor stuff”, the real challenge is that I want to keep all my confusion in one place. I want to stop being a gypsy, but still have the best of everything! Let me describe it with a few examples:
• I want to kiss and hug my friends, colleagues, whoever crosses my way every day without fearing a sue for sexual harassment
• I want people to answer to my emails in less than 24 hours as a rule, not as an exception
• I want 3 months of vacation but still get an American salary
• I want people to respond when I say “good afternoon” in the elevator without them wondering if I’m just a nice foreigner in a good mood
• I want to have the right to say “it is none of your business” and shut down any further inquiries about my private life with those 6 magic words
• I want to be loud and festive without being considered crazy (or Puerto Rican)
Some of these things are almost mutually exclusive. Typically, people that respect your privacy are not big on hugging; or people that take 3 month vacations do not answer email in 24 hours. I know, these are chronic contradictions and therefore it feels that I do not have much of a choice. Am I bounded to be an eternal gypsy?
The only thing I know for sure is that I’m not going to force myself to stabilize or build some sort of fake roots if I cannot keep my venezuelan, my gringa and my other awesome contradictions living at peace in one place. Unjustified forcing brings the worst in me (believe me when I say is BAD - or just ask my mom about my teenage years). I guess that for the time being I need to embrace my gypsy and see where it takes me. I will continue enjoying my journey and trying to find (or at least dreaming about) my promised land.
Salud!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
60 things about me
1. I come from a place that no longer exists. Every day I long for it
2. I do not like sweets in general, but I can eat a jar of nutella and a pint of coffee ice cream daily
3. My sisters are crazy (insane, really)… but I love them and miss them everyday
4. I’m a rebel for certain things, always have been … but I’m a diligent corporate employee, go figure!
5. I love backpackers. I look at them with envy every time I’m at an airport. I have tried to do back packing trips myself, but I always end-up picking my vertical 4-wheeled suitcase
6. I’m a latin lover… but not in a sex-type of way. I love latinamerica, the culture, the people, the languages. Nothing can be done about it
7. I’m 30+ and happily single. I refuse to settle for anything less than AMAZING. I do not buy the fact that you just have to make a commitment, suck it up and live unhappily ever after. I’m proud of me!
8. I love to spend time alone and travel alone. After you live in a household with 4 children under a dictatorial-communist regime (where private property and privacy does not exist) you never get tired of making all the decisions
9. I love surprises – all types, anytime, anywhere!
10. I want to turn the world around by doing little things that change somebody’s life
11. I can spend all day long on my PJs- which drives my parents crazy… happily, we no longer live together
12. I really enjoy reading but I do not have enough time for it. I keep buying books that I will never read
13. I have the best grandparents in the world; I’m so blessed!
14. I love dark- latin looking men but for some reason I tend to be with the blonder and whiter type. Self-inflicted boycott?
15. I do not have any post-modern hobbies like scuba diving or yoga. One day at the beach with enough diet coke and a good book does it for me (well, maybe diet coke is my postmodern hobby)
16. I really love hanging out with my family. In fact, is one of my favorite things to do (especially when we go to eat Venezuelan style Chinese food… real Chinese food sucks!)
17. I hate being considered an adult, because I’m really not
18. I want to learn how to dance samba and irish step… really!
19. I believe in free markets, small governments, and right-wing dictatorships in developing economies - if you think I’m a monster, please spend a couple of years in Latin-America an suck up the third world version of democracy.
20. I do not believe in unconditional love … in fact, I really recommend against it
21. I believe in the power of music
22. I can eat pasta in whatever shape or form every day (with the same sauce)
23. Assumption is the biggest motherfucker of all
24. I want to learn French and Italian…in fact, I want to live in France (Niece) and Italy (Positano) for a while. Anyone willing to sponsor me?
25. I’m not afraid of dark but I have scared the heck out of my sisters with it… and I do not regret it. Fear is a powerful tool
26. Being the oldest sister sucks most of the time… but when it does not is marvelous!
27. I really like playing soccer but in all honesty I’m terrible
28. My friends have made my world a much better place
29. My mom gets very upset when I miss planes - which is quite often. Ironically, most of the time I’m travelling for business (not to see her!)
30. I do not cry very often… may be I should (or not)
31. There is not much grey in my life, and I like it that way…. Passion is on the extremes!
32. I’m probably one of the best eaters you have ever met, and I’m proud about it
33. I really REALLY love Mexico… but I have to confess that I do not like eating everything with tortillas. In fact, I hate tortillas
34. I still sit at my father’s lap… and I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon
35. I like to think of myself as an open-minded person. But every time I travel to a place where diet coke is not available, I get in a really bad mood (and call the hotel manager to complain)
36. To this day, my mother still asks me whether I brushed my teeth and sends me back to the bathroom to brush my hair because she thinks I look “sloppy” (really!)
37. I love to sleep long hours, but I wish I could act and look like a normal person with 6 hours of sleep
38. I really love having an “undefined” race: I look “local” in most of the western world as long as I keep my mouth shoot.
39. I’m deeply confused culturally speaking: my genetics are european, I was raised in a Latin environment, but professionally and intellectually speaking I’m made in the USA … go you weirdo!
40. My parents are the most awesome couple I have ever met. It is hard to live up to this standard….at least I’m still trying
41. Sometimes I feel guilty about all the opportunities and wonderful things that life has brought to me… I did not do anything to deserve them
42. I mother everybody…. Even my grandmothers! This has earned me the “Mother Superior” title in my family
43. I only have faith on the things I can control… with so much unfairness and suffering how can it be otherwise?
44. I still do not understand the meaning of spirituality… I just try to be good
45. I have lived in the US for almost a decade and still do not get why Seinfeld is funny…
46. I lose stuff all the time, everywhere… the good news is that most of the time I do not even realize it
47. I come from a family of immigrants. I’m refusing to continue the tradition – unsuccessfully
48. The human quality that touches me most deeply is generosity… I’m a sucker for people with HUGE hearts
49. I dream day and night…
50. I love to laugh out loud… and I love people that I can laugh with!
51. Sometimes I think about founding my own country – American discipline, European lifestyle and Latin kindness …. (I would be the president too, obviously)
52. I’m politically incorrect because I like to call things for what they are. At what point in time honesty became a flaw?
53. I do have a couple of psycho-crazy manias: I rather do stuff with odd numbers, and I rather avoid stepping on lines…. I wish I could channel my pysco-craziness to organize my closet and email more neatly but it just has not kicked in
54. I love the sound of email arrival…. I’m an email lover
55. I have stolen little bits of detergent at the laundry room of my building… will I go to jail (or hell)?
56. A man with freckles on his back is music to my eyes
57. I wanted to be a singer/dancer when I was little. My back-up plan was to be a policy maker which did not work out either. I turned out to be a consultant which means that 90% of the time I do not know what I’m doing
58. I’m a die-hard romantic… I know, it does not seem so
59. I do not wear make-up often because I rather sleep 15 min extra. Plus, I like me without make up
60. A man gets to my heart by being able to see far and beyond the obvious
2. I do not like sweets in general, but I can eat a jar of nutella and a pint of coffee ice cream daily
3. My sisters are crazy (insane, really)… but I love them and miss them everyday
4. I’m a rebel for certain things, always have been … but I’m a diligent corporate employee, go figure!
5. I love backpackers. I look at them with envy every time I’m at an airport. I have tried to do back packing trips myself, but I always end-up picking my vertical 4-wheeled suitcase
6. I’m a latin lover… but not in a sex-type of way. I love latinamerica, the culture, the people, the languages. Nothing can be done about it
7. I’m 30+ and happily single. I refuse to settle for anything less than AMAZING. I do not buy the fact that you just have to make a commitment, suck it up and live unhappily ever after. I’m proud of me!
8. I love to spend time alone and travel alone. After you live in a household with 4 children under a dictatorial-communist regime (where private property and privacy does not exist) you never get tired of making all the decisions
9. I love surprises – all types, anytime, anywhere!
10. I want to turn the world around by doing little things that change somebody’s life
11. I can spend all day long on my PJs- which drives my parents crazy… happily, we no longer live together
12. I really enjoy reading but I do not have enough time for it. I keep buying books that I will never read
13. I have the best grandparents in the world; I’m so blessed!
14. I love dark- latin looking men but for some reason I tend to be with the blonder and whiter type. Self-inflicted boycott?
15. I do not have any post-modern hobbies like scuba diving or yoga. One day at the beach with enough diet coke and a good book does it for me (well, maybe diet coke is my postmodern hobby)
16. I really love hanging out with my family. In fact, is one of my favorite things to do (especially when we go to eat Venezuelan style Chinese food… real Chinese food sucks!)
17. I hate being considered an adult, because I’m really not
18. I want to learn how to dance samba and irish step… really!
19. I believe in free markets, small governments, and right-wing dictatorships in developing economies - if you think I’m a monster, please spend a couple of years in Latin-America an suck up the third world version of democracy.
20. I do not believe in unconditional love … in fact, I really recommend against it
21. I believe in the power of music
22. I can eat pasta in whatever shape or form every day (with the same sauce)
23. Assumption is the biggest motherfucker of all
24. I want to learn French and Italian…in fact, I want to live in France (Niece) and Italy (Positano) for a while. Anyone willing to sponsor me?
25. I’m not afraid of dark but I have scared the heck out of my sisters with it… and I do not regret it. Fear is a powerful tool
26. Being the oldest sister sucks most of the time… but when it does not is marvelous!
27. I really like playing soccer but in all honesty I’m terrible
28. My friends have made my world a much better place
29. My mom gets very upset when I miss planes - which is quite often. Ironically, most of the time I’m travelling for business (not to see her!)
30. I do not cry very often… may be I should (or not)
31. There is not much grey in my life, and I like it that way…. Passion is on the extremes!
32. I’m probably one of the best eaters you have ever met, and I’m proud about it
33. I really REALLY love Mexico… but I have to confess that I do not like eating everything with tortillas. In fact, I hate tortillas
34. I still sit at my father’s lap… and I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon
35. I like to think of myself as an open-minded person. But every time I travel to a place where diet coke is not available, I get in a really bad mood (and call the hotel manager to complain)
36. To this day, my mother still asks me whether I brushed my teeth and sends me back to the bathroom to brush my hair because she thinks I look “sloppy” (really!)
37. I love to sleep long hours, but I wish I could act and look like a normal person with 6 hours of sleep
38. I really love having an “undefined” race: I look “local” in most of the western world as long as I keep my mouth shoot.
39. I’m deeply confused culturally speaking: my genetics are european, I was raised in a Latin environment, but professionally and intellectually speaking I’m made in the USA … go you weirdo!
40. My parents are the most awesome couple I have ever met. It is hard to live up to this standard….at least I’m still trying
41. Sometimes I feel guilty about all the opportunities and wonderful things that life has brought to me… I did not do anything to deserve them
42. I mother everybody…. Even my grandmothers! This has earned me the “Mother Superior” title in my family
43. I only have faith on the things I can control… with so much unfairness and suffering how can it be otherwise?
44. I still do not understand the meaning of spirituality… I just try to be good
45. I have lived in the US for almost a decade and still do not get why Seinfeld is funny…
46. I lose stuff all the time, everywhere… the good news is that most of the time I do not even realize it
47. I come from a family of immigrants. I’m refusing to continue the tradition – unsuccessfully
48. The human quality that touches me most deeply is generosity… I’m a sucker for people with HUGE hearts
49. I dream day and night…
50. I love to laugh out loud… and I love people that I can laugh with!
51. Sometimes I think about founding my own country – American discipline, European lifestyle and Latin kindness …. (I would be the president too, obviously)
52. I’m politically incorrect because I like to call things for what they are. At what point in time honesty became a flaw?
53. I do have a couple of psycho-crazy manias: I rather do stuff with odd numbers, and I rather avoid stepping on lines…. I wish I could channel my pysco-craziness to organize my closet and email more neatly but it just has not kicked in
54. I love the sound of email arrival…. I’m an email lover
55. I have stolen little bits of detergent at the laundry room of my building… will I go to jail (or hell)?
56. A man with freckles on his back is music to my eyes
57. I wanted to be a singer/dancer when I was little. My back-up plan was to be a policy maker which did not work out either. I turned out to be a consultant which means that 90% of the time I do not know what I’m doing
58. I’m a die-hard romantic… I know, it does not seem so
59. I do not wear make-up often because I rather sleep 15 min extra. Plus, I like me without make up
60. A man gets to my heart by being able to see far and beyond the obvious
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